2. Be Kind To Yourself First and Foremost
For many years, I was not kind to myself. I think many of us have this experience. This showed in the way I didn’t stand up for myself, it showed in my lack of boundaries, and it showed in the way I let others make decisions for me. As a girl, not that this is specific to girls, I was taught by family and society to be kind to others, nice at all costs, and generous even with your last resource. I was taught that it was admirable and honorable to put others before you, to be so humble you don’t even consider your own needs. I was naturally shy and this was normalized and somewhat encouraged. I had to teach myself three decades into my life to be kind to myself first and foremost. This has led to losing contact with some very close people and finding others that want to see me happy. Being kind to yourself teaches others how to be kind to you. Being kind to yourself teaches others how you want to be treated. It demands the boundaries necessary to keep positivity in so you can let positivity out. This reminds me of a separate affirmation I shared with former students “Good flows to me, good flows from me”. These boundaries also keep negativity waiting at the gate. Up until recently, I always aimed to be approachable, relatable, and accessible. I had to go through some traumatic events that forced me to put my safety and privacy first for me to realize I do not want to be easily approachable by anyone, including family. I want people to have to think about how to approach me so it is respectful, meaningful, and authentic. There are ways in which we can enforce our boundaries lovingly; our boundaries do not need to be barbed-wire prison walls. Being kind to yourself also allows you to forgive yourself so you can forgive others. Be kind to yourself first and foremost.
How to be kind to yourself
Get to know yourself, accept what you like and do not like, and decide how you are going to invest in yourself
Take an inventory of who has access to you, how they serve you, how you serve them, and decide how you want to grow/nurture the relationship
Take an inventory of the spaces you occupy, the energy they give you, and decide what it takes to create your safe space
Have a heart-to-heart with yourself in front of a mirror or camera so you can confess and forgive yourself for the faults and flaws you carry and decide how you are going to transform those burdens into your assets
Make a list of what energizes you, what drains you, and decide how you can create your middle ground for transitions to honor the ups and downs
How to lovingly enforce boundaries
Write about how you like to show up, love, and care for people and write about the challenges you have in supporting people on their level
Create a yes, maybe, and no list of who can have easy access to you decide what exceptions you’ll make to increase or decrease their access
Intentionally and consistently communicate through your words and actions how you expect to be treated, communicated with, and supported
Have a calm and respectful 1-on-1 with individuals at risk of getting little to no access to you so they have an opportunity to come correct
Disappear quietly for those that disrespect your boundaries and show up wholeheartedly for those that do.
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